Behind My Mask

Why is it that you can hear the same message over and over again and ignore it, until the penny drops?! 

I’ve spent 22 years searching for the answer to how I can be a better version of myself. I’ve read half of the self-help books that I have bought (and beaten myself up for not reading the other half!), spent thousands of pounds on 1-1 coaching and therapy, fundamentally changed my habits… and yet I still didn’t feel good enough.

 Until someone told me recently that I was trying too hard and I needed to trust myself to figure it out without searching for ‘the answer’ in books. 

I instantly dismissed the comment, but in one of my midnight rumination sessions, it dawned on me that I had in fact created a monster version of me that was keeping me stuck! 

 That monster was masquerading as the ‘better’ version of me and told me that I was not going to be good enough until I had completed the ‘To Do’ list of impossible tasks: get up at 5am; eat only healthy foods; journal; meditate; exercise; plan your time; be a good mother and wife; be extraordinary, make progress every day…..you get the gist.

That monster didn’t appear in my childhood, it turned up when I became an adult and responsible for myself. It showed up at work. I created a vision of who I should be, do and have to be ‘successful’, and I just didn’t live up to the standards I had committed to, which kept me stuck. 

There are too many ‘guru’ self-development people that teach this ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ bullshit that gets people burnt the fuck out!   

Looking back, every time I have achieved a goal, I’ve raised the bar.

I thought that was OK and part of the journey of self-development, reinforced by coaching, and for some it may be, but for me, it was exhausting and didn’t make me happy. Imagine crossing the finishing line after the London Marathon and then telling yourself that was ok, but you now need to run to Edinburgh! 

And so I developed a mask (the lawyer) to hide the fact that I didn’t think I was good enough. 

Most of you will recognise this mask. It’s my go to when I want to feel in control. It’s the image that I think I should show the world in order to be taken seriously and appear authoritative and successful.  It’s not a fake mask as I am a lawyer but it is someone else’s view of what a lawyer should be, do and have. 

When the mask slips, you will see the real me – the naughty, playful, sweary, loving, rule breaker that’s usually reserved for those who ask for my help and I go ‘all in’ to support you. 

Enough hiding. The mask doesn’t fit me anyway and I can’t be arsed to wear it anymore! This is me and ready or not, I’m coming out to play! Are you joining me? 

What mask have you been wearing that doesn’t really belong to you?